Missing Tate...

This past weekend has been a whirlwind of fun with Todd.  Tate spent the weekend in Wetumpka and Todd and I took full advantage.  We relaxed all day Saturday,  enjoyed sangrias and our new friends Kelly and Zack Saturday night, visited a new church and kept the roads hot Sunday afternoon checking out Chateau Élan and Athens, and everywhere in between.

But today Todd went back to work.  I got up early,  took a pregnancy test--negative, started washing clothes and packing for the beach. Spent time in the word--Isaiah 59 blew my mind, but then again all of the prophecies usually do!  It's amazing what God revealed about Jesus long before he came!! Finished all of my chores by 2.  Bug man came and talked the whole time while I was trying to catch up on Secret Life.  Secret Life--my view into this "new family" that the modern day world believes to be okay----yet is comes with so.much.heartache. Marriages for wrong reasons, sex complicating things, divorces, homosexuality confusing families and ruining what God intended for us, and worst of all the way even people who think they are Christians get what the world says confused with scripture---it's all very very sad.

And now I lay here on top of my stripped bed while the sheets are being washed typing up this blog on my phone.  Because I miss Tate and I thought this might help.

That little dude really is such great company and the way I love him is pretty special.  My heart honestly aches for him---I hurt to hold him, and smell him (moms you understand).  His smell comforts me in the most unique and wonderful way.  Yet. It's only 2:40 and Todd won't get off until who knows when and then we will fight traffic to get to Wetumpka long after my baby goes to bed.  So unless I selfishly wake him to get that long awaited embrace,  it will be tomorrow morning before I see those big, brown eyes.  

There is much spiritual connection I can draw from this.  I am thinking through the similarities in my affection for him and the Lords desire to be close to our hearts, yet my arms hurt too badly to continue laying in this way and typing.  I'll just ponder it for now, pray for peace, and trust the The Lord will bless my reunion with the child whom I birthed whether it be in the wee hours of the night tonight or tomorrow morning.

A new beginning...

New.  New baby, new house, new car, new church, new new new.  This was my life last year.

This year is similar.  New house, new neighbors, new community, new life!

With all of this American dream stuff quickly becoming reality "new" got the best of me.

Loneliness is a scary friend.  At least for this social butterfly it is!  All of this "new" doesn't fill the void that has been growing and growing in my heart. And let me tell you...the social media world has done nothing for it either!

After a long painful heart to heart with the hubs followed by some brokenness on my knees, I came to grips with it all.

It was time for something new in me amongst all of the new around me.

I am starting over.  I am so thankful for a God that I can approach crumbled and broken and humbly ask for forgiveness.  

It takes me a while to really accept it.  I just repeated "thank you for your grace...thank you for your grace...thank you for your grace" until I believed it.

Here's the thing.  I have been totally disconnected----from everything.  Yes, I still juggled my roles as mama, wife, daughter, etc.  but emotionally I was shut down, turned off.  And that's because spiritually I have been ummm asleep.  Not dead but asleep.

I have been hiding behind my phone and spending every free second scrolling lifelessly through twitter, Facebook, and Instagram and even snapping pictures to post myself so I could feel a part.  After all, each "like" or "comment" did briefly shed a little light.  However, the wasted minutes with my thoughts captive by everyone else's lives, my prayer time became nonexistent.  And then so did my time in the Word.  Then, embarrassed to say, quality time with Tate and Todd was wasted with me half listening and disconnected while phone in hand all the while.

My phone and social media was not my problem, but it was my escape.  My way to be disconnected without fully feeling it.

I no longer have any fun apps on my phone and I am "allowing" (as ridiculous as that sounds---hello, my name is Julianne and I am a social media junkie) myself to check it all once per day...and that's only because I have so many friends and family that share life through social media.

I also created a schedule for my days. This is soooo freeing.  All of a sudden I have time to clean, work, dig into scripture, PRAY, enjoy Tate, and love on my hubby.  And my thoughts are clear and focused.  And I feel awake!! Again,  it's not all to do with my phone, BUT Satan was using my phone to keep me from dealing with the bigger issue---my uh um sleepy living.

I am not completely out of my rut and the void is not completely gone, but Jesus and I are working through it---and we are talking again!  And he is being so gracious and teaching me so much.  I am journaling for the first time in years and loving it.  

So the positive spin is that things are looking up---even though everything is new and the loneliness is still there---there is hope and most of all satisfaction in Jesus' sweet embrace.

Goodbye Lamby (Mammy)...

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I had a security blanket...okay two blankets, well into my twenties.  The only reason I don't have them now is because they got thrown away in a hospital dumpster one very sad Sunday.  Don't worry--I asked my psych. professor in college if my sleeping with my blankets said anything bad about me--he said no. :)

So needless to say when Tate fell in love with a little 6 x 6 in. piece of fleece lined with satin, I totally understood.  This little blanket became affectionately known as "Mammy" to Tate.  "Mammy" has been Tate's ultimate source of comfort now for over a year...

We lost "Mammy" today.  I backtracked all of our steps, asked store managers, checked lost and founds..."Mammy" is gone.  Once back in the car heading home Tate uttered the word I was most dreading.  With his paci in and heavy eyes he asked, "Mammy??" With tears in my eyes (ok maybe closer to sobbing) I looked and said "Tate, we don't have Mammy.  Mammy is gone." He asked a few more times before drifting off to sleep.

I attempted a replacement.  I knew the chances were slim---nothing could replace my blankets either.  The little lion from Ross failed.

My heart is sad.  Sad because I know his little heart was confused--he always has Mammy...to sleep, when he cries, when he is mad---it provides comfort that no one and nothing else can.  Nothing else feels the same held up against his cheek...I know.  I know because I have felt it.  Bless his little heart.  Tonight he asked for it once and I reminded him that Mammy was gone.  He didn't cry for it---I truly believe this is the sweet mercy of Jesus.

I am writing because I know how time flies.  And I know that these first two years of Tate's life will soon become vague memories pieced together...and the importance of Mammy will become lost with time.  I want to remember---how thankful I have been for Mammy.  It has helped me help Tate when nothing else could.  I could rely on Mammy always to dry tears or help sleep.

I also feel guilty.  As Tate's protector I failed him today.  As silly as it seems, I feel responsible for his confusion and feelings of loss.  This breaks my heart.

He will be okay.  I will be okay.  We will move on.  It is just sad.

It is all happening so fast...

Tate is changing everyday and it is all happening so fast!

I find myself overwhelmed with the volume of new words Tate is learning each day, therefore I am going to try to remember to document them.  Today Tate is 19 months old.  Yes, over a year-and-a-half.  To date, his words include (in order as much as I can remember): Dada, Mama, bye-bye, ball, cheese (for a picture, not for actual cheese), all done, NO (popular), night-night, airplane (shocked us!), car, truck, cracker, water (wa-wa), eyes, nose, head, play, HEY!...there may be more that I am not remembering at the current moment.  He also can say his own version of several names including: Pops (both grandfathers go by this), Granna, Jujie, Mawmaw, Gene, Oji, Bo, and we are working on more!

New today is "Tate!"  We are still working on the correct time to say this.  For example I say, "What is your name?" The goal is then for him to say, "Tate."  I am so excited he now can say his name.  He points to himself and says it.  Too cute!

We live right by a park and EVERY TIME we drive by he says, "Pay? Pay?" for "play."  Heartbreaking that we can't stop and "pay" every time we leave or return home. :/

He is getting really good at his little tricycle that Tal, Heather, cousin Rylee gave him for his birthday.  We play in the street a lot.  I look forward to our new house where he can ride it in our driveway....our driveway right now is like a free fall slide it is so steep!

He LOVES choo choo trains and airplanes.  And he thinks that all big trucks are choo choos as well.  He will say "ooohhhh"  when he sees or hears one and points.

I am his favorite playmate.  And by that I mean he loves to show off for me.  Whether he is in the yard pushing around his car and red wagon, or in his room playing in his Thomas the Train tent, he is always looking to see if I am watching.  He loves that I am thoroughly entertained by him.  And I am!

Tate doesn't care much for tv, BUT he has a couple of favorite movies.  His first love was Lion King. We would laugh because weirdly he made the most expressions when Scar (the villain) was on screen. For Christmas he got the newest Curious George movie with Will Ferrell.  To be honest I welcomed a new movie with open arms!!  Well Tate has fallen in love all over again...and now its with George!  He asks for George all the time.  We have to limit his time watching George of course.

If you know Tate, or his mother and father, you know he is not shy!  He lights up and pretty much jumps out of our arms when we get to the nursery at church.  Toys and other little people make his day!  Especially pretty little girls (like his friend Sophie) and older little boys.  Speaking of Sophie, our 19 month old has already planted a first kiss on his first crush--thats right, he planted a big kiss right on Sophie's mouth one day not too long ago.  Sophie's mother gasped, "Oh my goodness, that was Sophie's first kiss!!"  Too funny.  Tate's friends are Lance, John Michael, Sophie, Caleb and his sister Caris, and Levi.

Tate loves his cousins and the rest of his family so much.  He gets so excited when we see a video of Rylee, or when he plays with Bo and Laurabeth.  So far Bo is the ONLY person he will identify with a picture and he has been able to point him out for awhile!

A new favorite of Tate's is taking showers.  I am excited about summer because water in his face doesn't bother him at all.  He is a water hog and will use all of the hot water if we let him...he never wants to get out!

Bedtime is getting more and more special.  Thanks to "BabyWise"  this baby loves his sleep.  He never has let me rock him to sleep--he wants in his bed and left alone.  But, recently he has started letting me hold him and hug and kiss him while I sing old hymns to him.  We talk about Jesus and how much Jesus loves us.  This is one of my favorite times of the day.  I would love to add reading a bible story to our bedtime routine, but the kid is NOT into story time.  I try and try but he does not want to sit to read a story.  We are still working to develop a love for reading...I won't give up ;)

There are so many of other aspects of Tate's little world that I am forgetting to include, but his world is definitely getting bigger and bigger, and more and more complex.

I just hope that I am savoring the moments and remembering "enough" so that one day I can share with him what was unique and special about him as a baby, and now as a toddler.

"...for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

I am not going to say that I am starting a blog.  I am not.  I just want somewhere to share these thoughts that I get so excited about when reading scripture.  Through this avenue, people can choose to read these thoughts, or not.  I am not a fan of my long drawn out thoughts being posted on social media sites for the world to see when most people could not care less...so here goes.

My life is ever changing and with that my perspectives change (thankfully).  Becoming a wife opened my eyes to a whole new world of thoughts, emotions, experiences, etc.  All of a sudden I could relate to other women who were married and understood them like never before.  My world had become a "we" world, not an "I" world...and together the hubs and I are now striving for our "we" world to be focused on the "He" of this world.  Following?

Then I became a mother.  Wow.  Talk about a perspective change.  Talk about the "I" world perspective pretty much being thrown out the window.  Liberating in a way...as difficult as the strive to "become less so that Jesus can become more" is, becoming a mother has helped!

Now, onto the reason I am posting today.

I am currently reading through Matthew...very slowly.  I have made it to Matthew 19 and today I read a 3 verse story that I have read a million times.  It goes like this.

"Then some children were brought to Him(Jesus) so that He might lay hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them.  But Jesus said, " Let the little children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.  After laying His hands on them, He departed from there." Matthew 19:13-15

Before I get to my "reflection" of the day, let me say that this little story is so.incredibly.meaty.  We could talk through it for hours and still miss important aspects.  But, today, one particular part stood out...as a mama.

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?!  The thought of watching my child, Tate Beasley, walk towards Jesus and to see my Jesus embrace him and lay hands on my son to pray for my little boy...just about too much to bear!  My heart got so full thinking about those children, and then thinking about what their mothers must have felt in that moment.

I yearn for the day that the Lord reveals himself to Tate.  I pray for it every single night.

I used to think my "salvation" story was boring...yes, you know the one.  I was raised in church, I learned about Jesus from everyone around me, and as an 8 year-old litte girl I knew in my heart that I needed Him to save me from myself.  I knew my life belonged to him and that he had given His life for me.  My brother told me that I could ask Jesus to be the Lord of my life and he helped me pray to do just that.

Now, I am a mama.  Now, my "salvation" story is SUPER encouraging.  I pray that the Lord calls Tate and that he runs to Jesus at an early age understanding his need for Him.

"Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."