This year is similar. New house, new neighbors, new community, new life!
With all of this American dream stuff quickly becoming reality "new" got the best of me.
Loneliness is a scary friend. At least for this social butterfly it is! All of this "new" doesn't fill the void that has been growing and growing in my heart. And let me tell you...the social media world has done nothing for it either!
After a long painful heart to heart with the hubs followed by some brokenness on my knees, I came to grips with it all.
It was time for something new in me amongst all of the new around me.
I am starting over. I am so thankful for a God that I can approach crumbled and broken and humbly ask for forgiveness.
It takes me a while to really accept it. I just repeated "thank you for your grace...thank you for your grace...thank you for your grace" until I believed it.
Here's the thing. I have been totally disconnected----from everything. Yes, I still juggled my roles as mama, wife, daughter, etc. but emotionally I was shut down, turned off. And that's because spiritually I have been ummm asleep. Not dead but asleep.
I have been hiding behind my phone and spending every free second scrolling lifelessly through twitter, Facebook, and Instagram and even snapping pictures to post myself so I could feel a part. After all, each "like" or "comment" did briefly shed a little light. However, the wasted minutes with my thoughts captive by everyone else's lives, my prayer time became nonexistent. And then so did my time in the Word. Then, embarrassed to say, quality time with Tate and Todd was wasted with me half listening and disconnected while phone in hand all the while.
My phone and social media was not my problem, but it was my escape. My way to be disconnected without fully feeling it.
I no longer have any fun apps on my phone and I am "allowing" (as ridiculous as that sounds---hello, my name is Julianne and I am a social media junkie) myself to check it all once per day...and that's only because I have so many friends and family that share life through social media.
I also created a schedule for my days. This is soooo freeing. All of a sudden I have time to clean, work, dig into scripture, PRAY, enjoy Tate, and love on my hubby. And my thoughts are clear and focused. And I feel awake!! Again, it's not all to do with my phone, BUT Satan was using my phone to keep me from dealing with the bigger issue---my uh um sleepy living.
I am not completely out of my rut and the void is not completely gone, but Jesus and I are working through it---and we are talking again! And he is being so gracious and teaching me so much. I am journaling for the first time in years and loving it.
So the positive spin is that things are looking up---even though everything is new and the loneliness is still there---there is hope and most of all satisfaction in Jesus' sweet embrace.
